One of the most expensive financial mistakes you can make is spending on a life you never consciously designed.
It happens when someone else’s choices become the measure of your own progress. You stop asking, “What would a good life look like for me?” and start asking, “Am I keeping up?”
That’s the comparison trap. Over time, it can pull your money towards somebody else’s definition of a good life.
Before you ask whether you can afford the house, car, holiday or lifestyle you see around you, ask a deeper question: “Does this belong in the life I actually want for myself and my family?”
When someone else’s lifestyle becomes your benchmark
We live in a world where success is often measured by what can be seen. What the people around us have, and how we’d like them to see us, can start to shape how we spend. Before long, their lifestyle becomes the yardstick for deciding whether our own life is enough.
The comfortable home starts to feel small. The reliable car feels ordinary. A holiday that once would have felt special now looks a little modest.
But what we see is never the whole financial picture. We don’t know whether someone else’s lifestyle was paid for with savings, a bonus, a credit card, an inheritance, family support or another source of income. Nor do we know what they may have given up elsewhere to have it.
So we end up comparing our whole financial life with the small slice of someone else’s that happens to be visible. And even if we could see all of it, it still wouldn’t tell us what’s right for us.
I worked with a client who wanted the people back home to see that she was successful. She was naturally generous and often paid for celebrations, gifts and food, even when she couldn’t afford to. The debt kept growing, and she ended up working longer and longer hours just to service it. In the end, the lifestyle she was trying to maintain was costing her far more than money.
What is your money really saying?
We don’t only use money for practical purposes. We attach meaning to it, and understanding that relationship is often where better decisions begin.
Money can become proof that we’re successful, a way to show love, a reward for hard work or a signal that we belong. Once it carries that much meaning, other people’s choices start to influence our own.
If money has become proof of success, you may feel you need to make that success visible. If it has become a way to belong, you may feel the pull to keep up with the people around you.
So before a big financial decision, stop and ask: “Is this spending connected to what I value, or is it driven by what I think others should see?”
There’s also a money story many of us know well: “I work hard. I deserve this.” You absolutely deserve to enjoy what you’ve worked for. But you also deserve choices, like the freedom to change direction if life asks that of you, a retirement that feels secure and meaningful, and the ability to help your children without compromising your own future.
Every yes to one lifestyle choice is also a no to something else. That doesn’t make the yes wrong. It just means it should be a choice you make deliberately.
When comparison involves the people we love
Comparison becomes especially complicated when it involves our children. As parents, we want to give our children opportunities, memories, a sense of belonging and sometimes what we didn’t have ourselves. That makes financial boundaries hard to hold.
Another family I worked with wanted their children to attend a private school and never feel they had less than the children around them. They moved to a more affluent area, took on a bigger bond and used credit to keep up a lifestyle they couldn’t afford. Saving stopped, the debt grew, and most of their income went towards interest instead of investing in their future.
Whether it’s a matric farewell, schooling, a wedding or ongoing support for an adult child, it’s worth asking: “How much of this decision reflects our family’s values and financial reality, and how much is being shaped by what other families are doing?”
Come back to your values
Money was never meant to be a scoreboard. It’s a tool for building a life that means something to you. When you’re clear on what matters most, big financial decisions get easier. You can spend with intention on the things that add meaning to your life, and you start to notice what you’ve been funding because others expect it, or because it’s tied to an image of success that was never really yours.
This is why I believe life planning is the foundation of good financial planning. Yes, your money needs to be properly invested, but first you need to know what that money is for.
Your financial plan should never be built around what your neighbour can afford, what your friends are doing or what your social circle regards as normal. It should be built around your values, your responsibilities, your dreams and your reality. And if the honest answer to why you’re spending is “because everyone else seems to be”, that’s your cue to pause.
The people you’re comparing yourself with won’t be the ones living with the consequences of your financial plan. You will. So plan with purpose, and build it for the life you want, not the one other people can see.
By Kim Potgieter, Certified Financial Planner, Author and Coach
About the author
Kim Potgieter is an author, speaker, and financial planner. She is the Managing Director at Chartered Wealth Solutions, where she helps clients align their money with purpose and guides them through the second chapter of their lives. She is the author of “Retirement – Get More Meaning for Your Money” (2015) and “Midlife Money Makeover” (2021). Kim is a CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER® Professional, Registered Financial Life Planner, ICF Professional Coach, Dare to Lead™ Facilitator, and New Money Story® Mentor Coach. She holds degrees in Industrial and Clinical Psychology.
