September 22, 2026
Women are afraid of men.
Read that sentence again.
Not all men. But enough men that women have changed the way they live because of us.
In Kempton Park and surrounding areas, nine women’s bodies had been found by the time this was written. Police are investigating whether the cases are connected. (sanews.gov.za)
The police response included telling women not to walk or run alone, particularly in isolated areas. I understand the immediate safety warning. But I cannot accept that this becomes the solution because this is where we have arrived as a society:
Don’t walk alone.
Don’t run alone.
Don’t go there after dark.
Don’t trust strangers.
Travel in groups.
Carry protection.
Be careful.
At what point did the responsibility for preventing violence against women become the responsibility of women?
Women must change how they live because men are killing them.
That sentence should make every man uncomfortable. It certainly makes me uncomfortable.
I have spent my life trying to be a good man. Being respectful, being a gentleman. Treating women with dignity. Not because I deserve a medal for it, but because I believe that is what being a man is supposed to look like.
This is why, when I hear that women are afraid of men, I feel anger. I feel embarrassed. I feel ashamed. And I feel worried for the women in my life.
Most of all, I feel frustrated by the silence of men.
Men are supposed to protect. Not because we are better than women, not because women are incapable of protecting themselves BUT because strength, courage and responsibility are supposed to be used in service of others.
Protection is service.
That is the masculinity I believe in.
Somewhere along the way, we lost sight of that. We became so busy defending masculinity that we forgot what masculinity was supposed to be for.
The hand of a man should be the hand that protects, guides and picks someone up. Instead, too often it is the hand that takes the bribe, the fist that beats and the hand that pushes down.
And I believe good men have become too quiet.
Some of us are scared. Scared of saying the wrong thing, being called part of the problem. Scared of the backlash, of confrontation. Scared of admitting that sometimes we don’t know how to have these conversations.
But “I’m not one of those men” is not a response, it is an escape.
Nobody is accusing every man of being a murderer. The question is whether every man is prepared to take responsibility for the culture of masculinity we are creating.
You don’t have to be the man committing the violence to be a man who has a responsibility to confront it.
What do you do when your mate tells the filthy joke, what do you do when a man boasts about cheating? What do you do when a woman is being humiliated or when you know a man is abusing his partner?
Do you laugh, do you stay quiet or do you tell yourself it isn’t your business?
OR do you look another man in the eye and say:
“I’m sorry, but that’s not how men behave.”
That is where change begins. Not with another hashtag, not with another speech or another campaign. And certainly not with another election promise.
Our local elections are coming on 4 November. (elections.org.za) So I fully expect the microphones to get louder.
There will be statements, condolences. Promises, expressions of outrage.
But women don’t need another politician telling them that violence against women is unacceptable. They need to see what has changed.
If you have held public office while this crisis has continued, you don’t get to use the suffering of women as election currency and then disappear when the election is over.
Government has a role. It must provide functioning policing, justice, safe public spaces and resources for organisations doing the work.
But government cannot police what happens inside my home. Government cannot raise my son for me or decide what I laugh at around the braai. Government cannot tell me to challenge my friend when he speaks about women with contempt.
That responsibility belongs to me.
And it belongs to you.
The latest South African femicide research found that 57.5% of women murdered in 2020/21 were killed by an intimate partner. (tandfonline.com)
So perhaps we should stop pretending the biggest problem is simply women walking alone down dark roads. Often, the danger is waiting at home and that should terrify us.
If I know a woman is being abused next door, why am I quiet? If I know a man is hurting his partner, what am I afraid of? If I hear the stories women tell about how men’s anger, entitlement and behaviour affect them, am I willing to listen?
I work with boys because I believe we can change this.
A ten-year-old boy is not destined to become a violent man. He can be taught responsibility. He can be taught that strength is for protecting, not controlling. He can learn that vulnerability is not weakness. He can learn accountability and commitment. He can learn that being a man means taking responsibility for what his actions do to the people around him.
But we don’t have ten years to sit around talking about this. Every day we wait, women continue to live with fear.
So: this is not a call for women to become better at defending themselves, it is a call for men to become better at being men.
I don’t want my daughters to become experts at avoiding dangerous men. I want them to grow up surrounded by men they don’t need to fear.
And I don’t want my son, or any boy I mentor, to grow into a man who thinks silence makes him innocent.
It doesn’t.
Being a good man is no longer enough.
We need good men who are courageous enough to confront bad behaviour in other men. We need men who will listen, who will speak, who will intervene. Men who will mentor and who will hold each other accountable. Men who will raise boys differently.
If we are serious about raising a generation of men who don’t hurt women, then we need to start raising a generation of men who don’t hurt women.
It really is that simple.
It starts with me, it starts with you, it starts tonight.
I don’t want this article to end there because I have written enough words in my life to know that words alone don’t change anything.
This article won’t stop a man from hurting a woman tomorrow, it won’t make a woman walking to her car or standing at a bus stop before sunrise feel safer. It won’t change what happens behind a closed door tonight.
I don’t want to be another man who writes something powerful, gets a few likes, has a few people tell me how important it is, and then carries on with his life.
So I want to ask something different:
NAME ONE THING.
To the women reading this: Name one thing that makes you feel vulnerable in the world you live in.
Not what you think you are supposed to say, not what will make everybody comfortable. Not what you think men will agree with.
You: Where do you feel unsafe, where do you feel vulnerable? What is one thing that men could do differently that would make a real difference to you?
And I want men to listen.
Not to defend themselves and explain why your suggestion won’t work. Not to tell her what she should actually be afraid of. Not to fix it immediately.
LISTEN.
Because women have spent enough time changing their lives to survive us.
Now let’s hear what they are asking us to change.
And I want the answer to cost us something because if the solution doesn’t require anything from me, then perhaps it isn’t a solution.
Maybe it means getting up earlier.
Maybe it means standing at a bus stop with women in my community because I know they don’t feel safe there.
Maybe it means driving a woman to the airport because she doesn’t feel comfortable getting into an Uber alone or changing the route of my morning run and running with women who have told me where they feel unsafe.
Maybe it means creating a safe place in my community where women can come and talk without being judged.
Maybe it means sitting with my wife and daughters tonight and asking them what I don’t know about the world they experience.
Maybe it means listening to the answer without trying to defend myself.
Maybe it means confronting a friend, losing a friendship, walking away from a conversation at the braai.
Maybe it means saying, “That’s not funny.”
Maybe it means using my influence, my time, my money, my network or my reputation to make something safer for someone else.
OR maybe it means mentoring a boy for the next ten years so that the man he becomes is different.
Whatever it is, NAME ONE THING.
And then do it.
To the men reading this who are thinking, “But I’m already doing everything. I’m not abusing anyone. I’m a good husband. I’m a good father. I respect women.”
I’m sorry, so am I.
But that’s not enough anymore.
Not because you are a bad man but because the problem is bigger than whether you personally are a good man. If women are living in fear, then being personally innocent cannot be the finish line.
We have to become men who actively make the world safer.
We have to become men who notice, who listen, men who speak. Men who intervene, who mentor, who challenge other men. Men who are prepared to pay a price for doing what is right because women are already paying a price.
A very, very high one.
So I am asking myself: What am I prepared to give up to make this better?
My comfort, my time, my popularity? My Saturday morning or my friendship with someone who refuses to change? My need to be right, my sensitive male ego?
What am I prepared to put on the line?
Because women should not have to pay with their freedom, their dignity, their safety and, ultimately, their lives while men congratulate ourselves for simply being “one of the good ones.”
I don’t want to be one of the good ones.
I want to be one of the men who does something and I want to know who is standing with me.
So, women: Name one thing.
And men: Pick one thing.
Then do it.
Don’t tell me what you believe. Show me what you are prepared to do.
because this cannot be another conversation. It has to become a movement of men who are prepared to say:
“I’m sorry, but that’s not how men behave.”
And then live like it.
NAME ONE THING
Women: Name one thing that makes you feel vulnerable in the world you live in.
Men: Name one thing you are prepared to do to make life safer for the women in your life and your community.
Complete the form here:
https://l1nq.com/name-on-thing
Dad / Founding Director / MENtor / Values coach
